From a man to another

One of the most obvious areas in our community that need healing is in therelationships between Black men and Black women. Currently there is a basicdistrust of brothers by Black women, and too many brothers approach dealingwith Black women with a "pimp or die" mentality.Without further vilifying black men or victimizing black women I want toattempt to shed some light on the inner workings of men as they deal withwomen and how ultimately the interactions between the two are more about amans discovery with himself than about the relationship with the woman.In the movie The Brothers, Jennifer Lewis (Morris Chestnut's mother) makesthe statement that a man doesn't even know himself until he knows what kindof woman he wants. As I continue to grow, I understand that statement moreand more. Men have a tendency to define themselves through externals ratherthan by their inner qualities.Ask a man to tell you about himself and he will most likely begin by tellingyou what he does, his occupation or his possessions. Of all of the externalsin a man's world, the thing that communicates the most about him is hischoice of a woman. That is not to say that the woman he chooses will be justlike him, but by looking at the woman he chooses to complement himself with,you can understand a lot about what he values, has to offer and even what hefeels that he lacks.Often times when a man is discovering himself he will find himself dealingwith a variety of women simultaneously. Each of these women will bedistinctively different from the next, but will represent a different partof the man himself. Most will have one woman with whom they simply have agood time with, she is almost like one of the boys and he has littleinterest in developing a romantic relationship with her. He probably willtell her the details of his dealings with other women to get a "female'spoint of view".Then there is the one who to him is a "good girl" and represents what hedeems to be morally good and right. He will often go to her with hisproblems and shortcomings because he knows that she will tell him the truthabout himself and his actions in an attempt to challenge him to growmentally and spiritually.Lastly there will be his "freak girl". She is his proverbial booty call andblows his mind in the bedroom. He has absolutely zero interest in everwanting anything deeper with her than sex (And in the most convenient casesneither does she).As he deals with these women and gets closer to some and further fromothers, he is learning what he as a man values and wants to keep permanentin his life.So while in his conscious mind he may believe that he is trying to find 'theright one' he is actually trying to find himself. As men travel between whatI call the searching stage to the commitment stage, there are women who arebound to be left as casualties along the way. Sometimes it is because thereis lack of honesty and integrity from the man, but many times it is due to alack of understanding whether or not the man that she is investing in is inthe searching stage or settling into the commitment stage.An understanding of this by both the man, and women would help the processquite a bit. Men must be responsible in communicating where he is in hisdevelopment, and women must not disparage the man because he encountered herwhile he was in the searching stage rather than the committing stage.The best barometer to determine which stage a man is in is his career.If a man is not settled in his career, chances are he is not settled overalland is not at the stage to commit to marriage.Moreover I would also suggest that because of the responsibility that theBible places the man to be the provider, a man who is not settled in acareer is also not fit for marriage. Unfortunately there are an increasingnumber of men who are content allowing their women to be the ones whoprovide and attain while they reap the benefits. A real man however wouldnever feel comfortable shacking up in his woman's home, relying on hiswoman's vehicle as his means of transportation, or being supported by herfinancially. He would rather struggle to work while finishing school orstarting his business and achieving and attaining something for himself thenpresent himself to her.Women who have become desperate for companionship have lowered theirstandards to think that supporting their man financially is acceptable aslong as he loves her in return. However although most won't admit it, when awoman is supporting a man, it affects her ability to respect him and to feelsecure with him. A real man would not be comfortable attempting to commit toa relationship if he cannot offer the woman a sense of stability. If he doesthen the relationship will be destined for failure because her lack ofrespect for him will cause her to take more of a motherly role than that ofa companion.A large part of a man's definition of his manhood is centered on being ableto maintain a consistent job and support himself and his family financially.Some men go through great lengths to accomplish these goals spending longhours at work or working on his start-up business; oftentimes to thedetriment of the relationships in the home that he is trying desperately tosupport.Many women do not understand this and often nag their man for spending toomuch time at work. But to compete with a man's job, is to compete with partof the essence of him, his definition of himself will cause him toemotionally withdraw from her and eventually the relationship.Until a man who is building his self-identity is able to duplicate thatmental image of a man is his own life, he is not comfortable with hisself-image. This insecurity makes will hinder his ability to effectively andaffectionately love the woman that he desires to be with. There are too manywomen asking men to commit to a relationship with them before they are ableto do so. She would do well to allow the man to establish himself until heis comfortable with his self-image before asking him to give himself to herbefore he feels worthy to do so. Actually she should require it.As men it is our responsibility to be uncompromisingly open and honest withthe women in our lives. We must be honest about the type of man that wetruly are, where we are in our development in life and what we can andcannot offer her at that time. This begins by being honest with ourselves.We cannot live beneath our expectations of manhood and we must positionourselves to provide for ourselves and our families. That means being ableto provide financially, emotionally and spiritually.That is God's charge to us as men and nothing short of that is acceptable.

Author:Unkown

Darfur and Harare

Simple question:

Why has the western nations and the EU imposed some crippling sanctions and travel bans to the Zimbabwean government that has brought our economy to its knees, more like a spiral to an abyss grave of unfathomed depth, for bad governance and human rights violations when on the other hand, in the face of the whole world - which by the way includes the western nations and the EU that need not be named, the Sudanese government has aided the Janjaweed arab militia to displace and maime millions of black africans without much say about it? In my simple analysis, there is a huge inconsistency from the same bodies of governments that make such different decisions for roughly the same crimes. By pure body count, Darfur atrocities are by far more grievious and at a bibilical scale than that in Zimbabwe. The original cause for both catastrophes is roughly the same - a rising desperation and scramble for fertility in the context of each nations most fertile natural resources largly in the form farm lands, by previously well co-existed ethnic groups. Of course there are different socio-econo political connotataions that punctuate each situation. The question is, why should the "world police"treat differently the same crimes from two different criminals? In some sense, the more gruesome criminal has got preferential treatment! How genocidal should the situation in Zimbabwe be for all the charges to be droped? One wonders what is really behind some world decisions, one wonders what kind of Zimbabwe we would have if we had oil. Granted, the masses in Zimbabwe do not condone the current political policies in place but the economic sanctions have done nothing but massacre and butcher the average citizen. The victims are always the innocent ones, as is the case with both Zimbabwe and Sudan. Meanwhile, both Sudan and Zimbabwe have found oriental sanctuaries in the name of China and Russia, the latter more directed to Sudan's arms deal. If they really cared for Zimbabwe and Darfur, they should lift economic sanctions and travels bans off Zimbabwe where the ordinary man and women has suffered, or moreso impose the heaviest sacntions ever seen in history on Sudan and its "allies", China and Russia. The latter option is probably impossible, because how heavy can sanctions get for them to be worse than those imposed on Zimbabwe? Think about this, if some non-Western, non-EU powerful nation backed Zimbabwe for any reason, perhaps there would have never been sactions in the first place.

So God help us find oil in Zimbabwe.

Just another food for thought.

Evertone Bhekubukhosi Mothusi Siwela

Mothusi

Dumela

In the recent advent of ubuntu bami I have embraced my Africaness with a newfound sense of patriotism. I have adopted the Pan-Africanism mentality that has made me reminisce every brush I had with every African culture in my life in Zimbabwe. Most notably is the Batswana from the southwest side of Zimbabwe - Botswana. With about 60% comprehension of the Setswana langauge, I have strived to enrich and to hold on to every little aspect that has had me the man I am today and that includes the Tswana part of me. Nna, ke motswana. My friends at heart, Wame Gofamodimo, Resego Nthaga and Kaone Simon Mathware, helped me cling on to that aspect of me by naming me Mothusi which means helper. Ke rata leina Mothusi. Maina aka ke Evertone Bhekubukhosi Mothusi Siwela. Please feel free to call me by all my names.

Evertone Bhekubukhosi Mothusi Siwela